[Blog] Parenting WITHOUT Punishment ft. Divvya Kaur
Is Gentle Parenting Better For Your Kids?
Is punishment really necessary for raising well-behaved kids? Many of us grew up believing that discipline meant strict rules, scolding, or even physical punishment. But modern parenting research—and real-life experiences—tell a different story.
In this episode of The Modern Indian Parent Podcast, I sit down with parenting coach Divvya Kaur to break down the truth about gentle parenting—what it really means, how to set boundaries without yelling, and why fear-based parenting does more harm than good.
If you've ever wondered whether you’re being too harsh or too soft, this conversation is for you. Keep reading for key takeaways or watch the full episode on YouTube 👉
Why "I Said So" Fails
Many of us grew up hearing "Because I said so!" from our parents. But does this approach actually work?
When parents rely on authority without explanation, it creates a power struggle. Instead of fostering cooperation, it teaches children obedience out of fear, not understanding.
"If you keep telling your child, ‘This is how it is because I said so,’ you are not letting them make any decisions. You are taking away their confidence. They will always feel like maybe they are not capable of making a correct decision," explains Divvya.
This doesn’t mean parents can’t set rules. But rather than enforcing blind obedience, offering choices and reasoning helps children develop critical thinking skills.
The Damage of Fear-Based Parenting
Many Indian households have traditionally relied on punishment to discipline children. Whether it’s a stern look, verbal scolding, or even physical punishment, fear-based parenting is deeply ingrained.
But what are the long-term effects of this approach?
📌 Children may become sneaky: Instead of learning right from wrong, they simply learn how to avoid getting caught.
📌 They may rebel: When kids gain independence, they often push back harder against the restrictions they once feared.
📌 They may struggle with self-esteem: If their emotions are constantly dismissed, they may grow up feeling unheard and undervalued.
"Fear-based parenting creates resentment. Kids grow up counting the days until they can leave home. They don’t want to talk to their parents, they just want to escape," says Divvya.
Building Trust with Your Child
Children need to know that their parents are a safe space.
Imagine this: Your child gets into trouble as a teenager. What do you want their first thought to be?
🔹 "I hope my parents don’t find out!"
🔹 OR "I need my parents' help with this."
Most of us grew up with the first mindset. But gentle parenting aims to create the second.
One of the simplest ways to build trust is through consistent communication. If children know they can come to you without fear of punishment, they are more likely to share their struggles.
Gentle Parenting: What It Is (and Isn’t)
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood. Many assume it means being overly soft, allowing kids to do whatever they want. But that’s not true.
"The biggest myth is that in gentle parenting, you always have to be gentle with kids. Gentle means being respectful of your child. It does not mean you have to agree to everything," explains Divvya.
Gentle parenting involves kindness AND firmness. It is about setting boundaries with respect.
Boundaries Without Being a Doormat
A key part of discipline is setting clear and consistent boundaries.
"Parents feel that if they say no, their child will cry. But so what? It’s okay for children to cry," says Divvya.
Children are constantly testing limits. It’s not because they want to manipulate you, but because they are learning how the world works.
💡 Example:
Your child wants an extra toy at the store.
❌ Permissive response: "Fine, take it." (teaches entitlement)
❌ Harsh response: "No! Stop asking!" (teaches fear)
✅ Gentle parenting: "I know you really want this toy, but we are not buying one today. I understand that’s disappointing, and I’m here for you." (validates feelings while holding firm)
Boundaries help children feel safe. They teach kids self-regulation, respect, and responsibility.
Family Meetings That Work
One of the most powerful parenting tools is family meetings.
"Nobody taught us how to be grateful for specific things in people. We take things for granted. Start a habit where, every day, you say one good thing about each other. It makes a huge difference," shares Divvya.
During family meetings, everyone gets a voice. Kids learn that their opinions matter, while parents model respect and communication.
Pro tip: Use a timer! Set a 15-minute limit to keep discussions focused.
Gentle vs. Permissive Parenting
Some parents confuse gentle parenting with being permissive. But they are very different!
Permissive Parenting:
❌ Allows children to do whatever they want.
❌ Avoids saying "no" to prevent tantrums.
❌ Lacks structure and consistency.
Gentle Parenting:
✅ Sets clear boundaries with kindness.
✅ Acknowledges emotions but holds firm on rules.
✅ Encourages problem-solving and accountability.
"A child needs boundaries. Without them, they are like a headless chicken going everywhere. They don’t know what’s okay and what’s not," says Divvya.
Handling Undermining Caregivers
What if your in-laws or other caregivers don’t support gentle parenting?
This is one of the biggest struggles parents face. Whether it’s a grandparent insisting on punishment or a family member spoiling the child, mixed messages can be confusing.
How to handle it:
✔️ Have an open conversation about why you’re choosing this approach.
✔️ Share research or personal experiences to help them understand.
✔️ Set clear expectations on discipline and household rules.
✔️ Find compromises that respect both perspectives.
At the end of the day, you are the parent. Your child’s well-being is your responsibility, even if it means having tough conversations with family.
Final Thoughts on Parenting with Love
Gentle parenting is not about letting kids run wild. It’s about respect, boundaries, and trust.
Children thrive when they feel safe, heard, and valued. And while discipline is important, it should come from a place of teaching, not punishing.
"My job as a parent is not to make my child happy. My job is to keep my child safe and make my child capable," says Divvya.
📺 Want to learn more? Watch the full episode here:
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Modern Indian Parent Podcast - https://www.instagram.com/modernindianparent/
Divvya Kaur, Positive Parenting Coach - https://www.instagram.com/divvya.kauur.gill/